Turning back again

I live by music, an inner soundtrack to my life I guess you'd call it. I bring the words out of the melodies and have them apply to someone, something, most of the time.

Sometimes some of the songs are more touching that others, Or just a fad that changes with my moods.

Spent the night laying in bed being berated yet again, and I decided to listen to what was happening inside, instead of out.

I can;t be hurt by what others say anymore. Well to be honest I can, but when they go for the hurt...they can;t beat whats already been said inside.

I want to feel sad, but right now Xander is eating an apple and pressing a sticky cheek into my arm. This is why I'm here now. Xander and Lilia. It might sound bad but this is how I feel. It is my job to make them grow up to be the best they can be...and show them what mistakes not to make.

I'm darting around in this post, and yes I kno I'll touch on a bunch of different topics, in no order.
This is how my brain works, leaping from one to the next without thought, feeling or want.

My WoW subscription ran out today, and maybe its for the best. Its been a nice fantasy to immerse myself in and even though I know I';m doing it I don't honestly want it to stop.
Its away, its escapism, its bliss as far as I'm concerned.


He's laughing now, pushing at the glass sliding door and running back to me. Its amazing to see that for once it looks like I did something that didn;t fuck up.


I'm down on myself alot. Lately, even more so. there are just things that can;t be said, no matter to who or what they are, but its too hard, and its things that I just don't want others to know.

In the last 4 years I've harmed myself deliberately 3 times. and none helped. I look back and...Beg for that sense of release that used to come with it. I want to be able to do it again without so much guilt and inner horror, but its just not going to work that way.

But thats not me anymore. Hell I'm trying to decide who I want to be. I hate feeling this lost and knowing why.

Fear.

Fear holds me back so much in this.

This is a big risk I'm dieing to take, because....Even if it fails, even with the cost, I know I know I'll be doing something that....is me, Is all about what I want and what I desire.

But Fear. Its always there no matter what I say on the topic. I tell others to not be afriad, and then evny them as they stride forward and leave me behind.

I'm not going to win this and I'm getting tired of fighting.

Thats how I feel.

Everything here relies on me, and I'm not good with that. I've tried, and I failed. I stopped...and I failed.

Everything I touch turns to dust it seems.

But here;s the crux. I know everyone feels like this at times. Who wouldn;t the world is a shit-filled hell hole.

I have three bright stars to light my way though. And they have to be enough. I have to keep them in sight or....I might not be afriad to take a risk.

I got told by her that I was just like my Father.

Even she, thankfully, had the knowledge to walk out of the room the first time I told her too.

I am not you.
But I think I am.

Would i leave two of them alone, just to be selfish? Can I make that decision by myself?


All this was talked about anyway and the concuslion come to.

I'm angry, and depressed. For weeks I've been depressed and worn my masks so I don;t get asked. Councelling is just the same as it always is. Sit, smile, talk. Let her get angry, vaguely defend then agree. Give in, back down, lose.


I want my wedding night.

I want all the things denied to me because of .... bullshit.

Part of me doesn't care about the notions of jealousy or feelings. Only desire and wants...Id? Superego? I can;t remember.

Wolf is who its called.
I am not a good man. Never have been, and I can never pay back those sins earnt in my short life. But I guess I try and fail.

Give in, back down, lose.


I want to go back to school and just...open fire. I hate the feeling, but even when I read what happens at the schools in america and around the world...part of me sympathises with them.

For all their troubles, they are me. Beaten, teased, over-stressed to the point where...it doesn;t matter. How many other kids like that are there? How many kids invovled thanked god they weren;t killed, but secertly wanted to be the one to pull the trigger that aimed at a hated bully, or teacher, or rival?

Mankind is full of dark desires like that. no one says it, but its true.

Butit fills me with sadness. i think of when I held my dads gun in my hands and the first thoght was not of killing another..but myself.

Always myself. I take myself as the root of all problems but remain too fearful to actually do it.

'Glad I didn't die before I met you.'

I'm a horrible man.

And I dont think I'm going to get better.


I have...20 years. Then I'm heading east. If I live that long, another month, 6 months, 6 years won't matter.
Something needs to be said, in person.

What happens after that, doesn't matter. I'm sick of seeing things in my head and wondering if its real, or this is the dream.

If it wasn;t for Xander, I'd be dead. I know that.

I have to go soon. My chauffuering starts soon.

So I follow the beam to the middle.


Bird and Bear and Hare and Fish

Give my love her fondest wish

Guardian of the Beam (1)

The man in black crossed the desert and the gunslinger followed him.

Something else good started off in the same way, so maybe its a good luck charm.
Something I feel I need lately.

Starting to...think that I should go and see someone, even though I hate it. Or maybe just sit here and exsist.

Anyway, the only convent applies